I think, therefore I harm
We met in the most unlikely of circumstances. We wrote a story that we knew wouldn’t have any main plot. But I like the story, and can’t turn the page.
You were transparent but I couldn’t see through you. I found I wasn’t as good as I thought I was at reading into people. It was foul of me to believe I was playing the main part, while I was really the dark villain. And I played that part all wrong. I pretended to be there for you, but set you aside when you really needed me. I turned on you when I got into my own problems.
You concluded that story with the most obvious and logical ending: You walked away.
But then, you let me in again. Despite the pain I inflicted you, despite the misery I’ve left you in, we sat and wrote a sequel. That was two years later. Two years of knowing how wrong I had been. Two years of seeking myself again. We outlined a story for which we couldn’t think of an ending. Or could we? Of course we both knew, but for some reason we didn’t want to see it.
I remember that afternoon, after our first weekend together again. I was driving back home and suddenly just burst in tears. I stopped by the side of the road. “Qu’est-ce que tu calisses?” I yelled to myself, before I slammed my forehead against the wheel. “What the fuck are you doing?” You lived a two-hour drive from me. We had failed before. We had extracted all the pain that we could out of each other. How could that get better? I few days went by and I didn’t know the answer. But for some reason, I jumped in again anyway. I jumped off a cliff which I knew was quite high, and somehow hoped there would be a rock or something I could hang on to.
We made each other promises that I was eventually going to break. We made plans, some of which we completed, others which were beyond our capacities. Let me tell you that the summer of 2012 was the most memorable summer of my life. It’s been the best time of my life, it’s been the best sun that ever shone on my skin.
I love your sparkling eyes when you smile. I love the sound of your laugh when I say stupid things. I love your heat when you hug me. I love the flavor of your lips when you kiss me. I love you with your problems, with your curious little habits.
You taught me things I thought I knew. You proved me wrong when I thought I was right. You made me like things that I thought I disliked. You pulled me out of my chaos and made me a better person.
Too many times, I thought I had found love, but only when I found you did I found out what it really meant to love. There’s no woman I could claim to have loved beside you, and there’s no one I could eventually encounter that could replace you.
But summer came to an end, and a cold time invaded me again. Mixed feelings got shaken within my heart.
On one hand, I was getting exhausted of these hours driving back and forth every weekend. Sure, the time spent with you was a reward in itself, and my soul was always relaxed in your presence. But I always returned to work on Monday mornings in a tired body, always unsure if I should recover with a Red Bull or three.
On the other hand, there was my son which I promised would always get priority in my life. At your place, he really spent the weekend playing games on your computer. Sure, that’s pretty much what he does at my place too, but with me rather than in the other room. I really wasn’t dedicating much time to him.
And on the backdrop was my heart that really, really wanted you, but didn’t want to hurt yours or get in your way. There were your problems, which you had fully grasped by then, and which you were apparently actively working on. I couldn’t help you with these, as I had tried before and miserably had been an additional factor in the equation rather than a solution. I felt I was preventing you from working on your equation with that silly unrealizable project of ours.
I never intended to leave you like that. I understand that, from your point of view, I must have just silently and selfishly faded away. That was never planned out to end up like that. I think I initially wanted to take a few weeks off and figure out how to mix you, my son, my life and yours in a single, working equation. The solution didn’t come as obvious though and soon weeks had turned into months. At one point, I figured I had involuntarily written the end of that chapter. Coming back to explain this to you would have been pointless and would have caused more harm than already done.
You said no explanation was necessary or expected, but I had to. This one is my pathetic explanation. No reply is necessary or expected. A year went by and I still love you, I still miss you. Maybe, just maybe, our paths will merge again. But I won’t hold my breath and certainly won’t expect you to.